UPS isn’t going to leave it at your door in a plain brown box.  Of this I am certain.  Oh, the UPS man (or woman) might leave you something that gives you a fleeting taste, but it doesn’t fit in a box, so no shipping service is going to deliver it.  The wizard doesn’t have it in his black bag.  And it won’t hit you like a stray meteor from some random act of the cosmos.  If you are lucky, once life has pushed you around a little bit, you learn this.

I am speaking of, dare I say it, happiness.  I hesitate to even use the word, it is so overexposed.  Once you have adequately suffered, you realize that happiness is merely a state of mind, an attitude.  It is always available to you.  At least that’s my theory.  Don’t get confused with joy, that euphoric state that we experience when grand and wonderful moments color our lives, such as the birth of a child.  I am talking about everyday, garden variety happiness.   How would you answer the question “Am I happy?”?

During a very low time in my life when I was bemoaning the events that had left me so miserable, and the cruelty of this world to leave me feeling thusly, a dear friend told me “You are responsible for your own emotions.  It’s your decision to be unhappy.”

Huh?  I don’t think so!  I was unhappy because I had reason to be unhappy. 

“I’m not saying it’s unreasonable to feel bad,” she explained.   “I’m saying that you have decided that this is worth feeling bad about.  It’s OK to feel bad, you just have to take ownership of your emotions.  The world is not responsible.”

Now that took a very long time to digest.  I actually coughed it back up a few times before I could finally hold it down.  This friend of mine had had her own challenges in life:  alcoholic parents, a failed marriage at a young age, date rape, and more.  Yet somehow she overcame it all, and pulled her life together.  She was the strongest person I knew, and I valued her perspective.  I thought about what she said for a long time, and then I finally got it. 

You can’t do something or get something to make you happy.  You might decide that you like your new something so much that you are happy about it, but that new something didn’t make you happy. 

Conversely, when unpleasant things happen, our reaction is the product of our evaluation of the situation and our own personal determination whether or not we will be sad over this thing.  What happened didn’t make us unhappy, even though we may be unhappy because this thing happened.  Nor are we at the mercy of the happiness gods that allow happy and unhappy to strike without warning or cause.  And, most importantly, good things and bad things happen to everybody; the world owes us nothing.  It’s how we choose to feel in spite of all that life dishes out. 

That said, it doesn’t mean of course that we always have control over ourselves.  Mental illness, such as depression, cannot be overcome just by singing “High Hopes.” And when we lose someone dear to us, we can’t just say to ourselves, “Well, I don’t want to be sad so I’m not.”  But it does mean, however, that most of us have control over our everyday attitude. 

Haven’t you ever known someone who has “a bad attitude”?  “Nothing ever works out for me,” they may say.   “Something always happens to ruin things.” Or even, “My life is terrible.”  Nobody’s life is exactly as he or she would like.  There are things we need, things we want, situations that just don’t work out very well, and annoyances up the ying yang.  And for all of us, some very, very bad times.   But I have never known anyone yet who didn’t have something worth celebrating, however humble.   I have come to realize that it is the quiet celebration of what is good in our lives that not only leads to general happiness, but that builds strength to endure the worst in our lives.

Think of the biblical Job on his dung heap, praising God.  If we can be happy with where we are at the moment, then it really doesn’t matter if we are not where we would really like to be.  I am sure Job would have preferred to be somewhere else, yet he chose to glorify God despite his hardships.  The happiest people I have known are probably those that most people would say had suffered the most.  There were many things they wanted to change, or wished had never happened, but they saw with such clarity and brilliance all that was good in their lives.  The unhappiest people I have known are generally those who have had rather ordinary lives, with their share of hardship, but nothing shocking or unusual.  Most of these failed to see all the wonderful aspects of their lives, or could not appreciate what they had.

We can choose to appreciate what is good and to tolerate the day to day hardships.  It is not always easy to do, especially if that has not been your pattern.  It takes work like a good marriage. But if you let the little things knock you to the ground, you will never be on your feet, and you will be simply swept away by the big things. 

This is what unhappiness has taught me.  That happiness is being OK with who you are at the moment, even while striving for something else.  That happiness is your child’s smile and a sunny day, even though the car is in the shop, you’re late for a job you hate, and the toilet is clogged.  You may be worried, tense, frustrated and annoyed, but you are not overcome.  It’s OK.  You are OK.  And little by little you will work on all these things and more, but doesn’t the sun feel good as you walk out the door?