I like to watch some of the “reality” TV shows.  I know, it’s like reading a trashy novel instead of Tolstoy, but the occasional trashy novel is good for you.  My husband shakes his head, “I can’t believe you watch that [crude noun]”.  Well, he likes to read history, classics, and, ahem, comic books.  The comic book is his version of the trashy novel.  So you see, we both have a need to turn down the brain power now and then.  My favorites are on after nine o’clock, which means it is actually quiet enough in my home to hear what is happening.  

“Extreme Makeover” (not “Home Edition”, I get enough of home improvement) does exactly that.  Most of the people on the show have some sort of physical flaw about which they feel so terribly that it has affected their daily lives.  The primary flaw is fixed, usually surgically, and the patient also gets bigger breasts or straighter teeth thrown in free of charge.  To round out the package, hair, makeup, and a super cool designer outfit.  To be fair, most of those I have seen on the show (although not all), really do have a flaw that is noticeable, like horrendous teeth, or a colossal schnoz.  

If I were on the show, my main request would be a tummy tuck.  I remember when I was little being with my mother in the dressing room of a department store.  Her tummy, though flat, was all wrinkly and flaccid around the belly button.  I thought it was gross.  Well, God bless her, after three children I have her tummy, although mine is a little fuller than hers was.  I would really like to have a smooth tummy again.  I know, it is only temporary, old age will take over anyway, but the childbirth transition takes you from smooth to gross in only nine months.  That’s a little faster than aging.  I’d also have one of my chins removed, preferably not the one that has a jawbone.  I’ve always had a little bit of a double chin, even when young and thin, but when I look at myself in pictures now, it looks like my neck is part of my head.  I have a big flabby head that sits directly on my shoulders.  

Have you seen “What Not to Wear”?  The show’s hosts, Stacy and Clinton, are absolutely brutal with the guests, who are being re-trained in how to dress themselves.  Stacy once told a guest she looked like an Oompah Loompah.  They take all of the guest’s clothes, and one by one throw them in a garbage can.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  I’ll bet you’re checking your TV Guide right now.  But here’s the good part:  the guest gets $5000 to spend in some of the finest stores New York has to offer.  Stacy and Clinton give the guest “rules” to follow when selecting clothes so that the person picks out what is most becoming.  And they are always right.  The guests look so much better in the types of clothes they recommend.  A new do from a fancy New York hairstylist and a makeover are also included. 

I’d probably cry if Stacy called me an Oompah Loompah, but I’d take that risk to get some hot new clothes in Manhattan that accentuate what is good, and draw attention away from what is not.   Heck, I know my clothes are sad.  I’d probably throw in a few choice adjectives myself, and Stacy and Clinton had better move away from that garbage can, ‘cause there’s a truckload coming in. Yep, I could do some damage with somebody else’s money.  And oh how I would love an expert hairdresser to find a hot new look for my curly locks, and give me a really good dye job.  Wash and wear, of course.  I would be changing my look, not my lifestyle. 

The real low end for me is “The Amazing Race”.  A bunch of two person teams race each other all over the globe, doing all sorts of ridiculous stunts along the way.   The winning team will get $1 million.  There are married couples, dating couples, parent/child couples, friends, and even some ex’s teamed up.  I don’t think it’s supposed to be a comedy, but it’s hysterical.  Some of the teams are obnoxiously competitive.  Others seem intellectually challenged.  Some are arrogant, some put the “eek” in geek.  I like to sit and mutter snide comments to myself about the more annoying competitors. 

I traveled some when I was younger, but this show runs through more exotic locales than any I ever got to.  I know who I would team up with if I were one of the contestants.  My friend Rose has traveled widely including some rather unorthodox locations, she’s adventurous, and good fun to boot.   It would be a real laugher.  I could just see us arguing about whether to shoot the rapids or slide in the mud.  I’d never leave my family for that long, but if I were younger and unattached…well, heck, why not? 

So in any given week, I can get a younger looking body, a dazzling wardrobe, and gallivant all over the world.  All this from the comfort of my juice stained sofa, a diminishing bag of M&M’s by my side.  Yep, life is good.